Stand in the rain
by never-give-up-hope2
Summary: What if Ziva had a daughter, before she came to NCIS? AU
1. Chapter 1

**This is a short story based on a video by Ziver92 on you tube. It will only be a few chapters long and I take no credit for the idea. I also do not own NCIS or any of the characters in this, except maybe a few that I made up. **

"Grab your gear!" Gibbs hollers across the bullpen, "Missing child of a petty officer."

As always, my heart contracts at the word "child". It has done for the past five years and probably will continue to do so. I bend down to grab my bag, staying under the safety of my desk for a few more seconds, enough time to wipe away the tears.

"You okay Ziva?" Tony asks, pausing on his way to the elevator.

"Yes, I am fine." I say, standing up and swinging my bag on my back. Inside, my head is flooding with memories and secrets. Secrets that will never come to light.

Gibbs assigns me the role of photographer, taking photos of the scene of the crime. I'm about to protest,-surely Tony could do that while I interview the parents or look for leads- but then I think better of it. He would surely ask me what's the reason and I can't tell him.

I gently push open the door of the baby's room, taking in the bright colours of yellow and the rainbow stuffed animals on the dresser and changing table. There are animals painted on the wall and the curtains have the exacts same animals on them. In all, the room has a cosy atmosphere to it, the parents didn't even turn of the nightlight.

I begin to take pictures, holding the camera right up to my eyes to hide the tears that threaten to roll down my cheeks. I take pictures of everything from the closet to this little stuffed animal for which I cannot remember the English word.

Gibbs comes in when I have just packing away the camera. He looks at me and I can sense he's confused, or maybe wondering something. I am not as good as I was at reading people. I sort of lost it when I came to NCIS, deliberately. I was too good at reading people.

"You ever thought of having kids, Ziva?" he asks, moving past me to look into the crib.

How can he expect me to answer the question? "No," I say, my voice more a stutter, "No, I have never thought of it." I'm about to ask why, but he has already left the room.

Back at NCIS I lock myself in the ladies room. I do not care if people need to use it, they can use the ones next to Abby's lab. The tears start to fall. I run the tap and splash water over my face, so the tears just look like water droplets. Tali didn't have a room like that, Tali slept in my room for the five years we had together. At first in a crib and then next to me. She said it was scary without me, that she needed me to keep the dark away. To protect her. If only I had done a better job.

_~Flashback~ _

"_Mami, Mami, look what I found!" Tali yells, tripping over herself to get to me. Automatically I scan around, looking for anyone that might have been alerted by her voice. But then I remember that I am not on a mission. But this is still Israel, where danger lurks at every corner. _

"_What my little perach ?" I say, picking her up and bringing her inside. She giggles a little at her pet name, which leads me to believe it has something to do with the item she has found. _

_I set her down and she unfurls her fist, inside is a delicate rose, a rare thing to find in Tel Aviv. "Ah," I say, "So it is a perach?" _

_Tali shakes her head vigorously, "No Mami, you know a perach is a flower, this is a rose." she says with a sigh, as if I should know better. _

"_Ah, well I think it is time for us to go to bed." I say. _

"_But it is still light outside Mami." she protests._

"_I know but in Israel, it almost never gets dark." I explain patiently, squatting down beside her. "And it is almost 10pm." _

_She cocks her head quizzically, "Is that late?" _

_I laugh, "Yes, my little perach, it is." _

"_Okay then Mami," Tali giggles and runs off to get changed. I watch her go, wondering when she will have to grow up. _

_Later that night we are lying in bed. Tali is curled up next to me, her long her spreading over the pillow, mixing with mine. We have the same colour, I cannot tell where mine ends and hers begins. _

_Tali stirs and wakes up ever so slightly. She looks at me bleary eyed. "You will always protect me Mami, won't you?" _

"_Yes my darling," I say, bending down to kiss her forehead "I promise." _

_~ End of flashback~ _

But I couldn't. I couldn't protect her. "I'm sorry Tali." I sob out loud. "I am so so sorry." There is no point connecting that room with Tali. Because that room we slept in isn't here anymore, and neither is Tali.

XXX

I step out of the bathroom and bump into Tony. "Oh, sorry," I mumble, keeping my head down, trying to move on as quickly as possible.

"Ziva, are you sure you're okay?" he asks gently, grabbing my arm.

I jerk away from him, "I am fine."

But I am lying, and we both know it.

**I apologise if that wasn't very good but the video is so please go check it out. : ) ~ Never-give-up-hope2 **


	2. Chapter 2

(Tony's POV)

She's not fine. I know her face as well as my own and she's in pain. Maybe not physically, but definitely mentally.

"Come on," I say, taking her arm and leading her to the staff room. It's practically a ghost town at this time of day, right after lunch but too soon for dinner. She follows me, not resisting. Usually, Ziva would make some attempt to resist me pulling her anywhere, this is how I know she is not fine.

"Sit," I say, going over to the coffee machine and emptying the remains of the jug into a Styrofoam cup. I push the cup across the table at her, "Drink. Then spill. Your secret, not the coffee." I say, trying for a lame joke, but it falls on deaf ears.

" I am sorry. I did not mean for you to find me like that." She begins quietly.

"What is it Ziva? You can tell me anything, you know that." I say gently, trying to be nice, But here's the incredible thing, Ziva gets angry.

"That is just it though, I cannot. Because you will judge me, just like everybody else did, just like my father." She shouts, standing up and pushing her chair back.

"I'm not your father, Ziva. I could never judge you. Please, sit back down." I say, trying to hide the desperation in my voice.

She obliges, and starts to finger the cup, "I had a daughter, before I came to NCIS. Her name was Tali."

I hear my sharp intake of breath, "Your sister?"

Ziva nods, "That's who she was named for. Now Tony, I am going to tell you the story. Please do not interrupt until I am done." I nod, I'm not about to interrupt the most personal thing she will ever say to me.

"Five years ago, just before I came to NCIS, I had a daughter, her name was Tali. We lived in Tel Aviv. Her father was Mossad, I met him through the Kidon unit. His name was Eli Shavell. Eli was smart, sweet, gentle, he had the same name as my father but that was where the similarities ended. He was everything my father should have been.

"We were young and in love, this was ten years ago. I fell pregnant unexpectedly but to us, it was a blessing. I was twenty-two, so was he. I had been working in Kidon for quite some time and had grown customed to the violence and hopelessness. But I was determined to have my child in a safe environment. I left Kidon for a while. Eli and I found a beautiful house, and were all set up to start a beautiful life. But then Eli got killed in a bomb blast in Iraq. I was eight months pregnant."

I realise there are tears coursing down my cheeks. That is so awful. I knew Ziva had a difficult past, but I hadn't imagined anything like this. I nod for her to go on.

"Tali and I managed. I was moved from the Kidon unit to regular field work. My father gave me some sympathy, he paid for my house despite my severe protests. We got along fine for five years, until we went to the beach.

"It was a sweltering Israeli summer, hotter than usual. Tali and I decided to visit the beautiful beach in Tel Aviv. We had a wonderful time. There was a… a carousel and ice cream. Tali had been playing in the sea, cooling off. We had to leave after a while, to get the train back to the main part of Tel Aviv, I did not have a car.

"We were in the ladies toilets when people started running, screaming from outside. I immediately knew something was wrong, I expected Tali to know too, but then I remembered. I had not brought her up the way my father had brought me up. I had not taught her how to fight, I had not taught her how to use weapons. Nothing.

"When I drew my weapon, her eyes grew round in her head. I had never shown her my weapons or even told her I owned any. I had told her to stay where she was, that I was just going to find out what was happening. I could see she was scared but she nodded and I… I left.

"When I got outside, I saw…" Ziva falters, tears starting to make their slow descent down her face, "It was a suicide bomber. Dead man's switch. I drew my weapon, made myself known. I knew it was, um, futile. He could blow that thing before the bullet got itself from the gun to his head.

"I remembered the alarm. In Mossad, in Kidon, we carry these alarms, which, when pressed, send a silent alarm to any operatives in the area, they are to be used for grave emergencies only. They are a bit like your panic buttons I suppose.

"I saw two fellow operatives sneak up behind the man. One of them shouted for me to leave, to get out. I did not need to be told twice. I ran outside, my confused brain thinking Tali would be outside. I was outside for ten seconds when I realised Tali was still in the toilets. I saw an open fire exit, I would be in and out of there in ten seconds, the toilets were just down the hall from the door."

I what to ask what happened, but the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach tells me I already know. The hurt I am feeling, tells me I already know.

"I was just at the door. It went off. The bomb, went off. And Tali, Tali was still in the toilets, exactly where I'd told her to stay." Ziva finishes and bursts into a sob. Ziva never cries. I pull her into a hug, trying to offer comfort when there is little to be found.

"It is all my fault Tony. If I had trained her, If I had told her to wait outside. If I had brought her up the way I had been brought up. Tai would still be alive."

I push her away from me, and look her in the eye. "Ziva, it is not your fault. You didn't know it was a suicide bomber. You did the right thing, bringing her up the way you did. Otherwise she would have your unhappy childhood. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault."

Ziva nods but I don't think she believes me. She just keeps sobbing, her tears making my shirt wet, but I don't care. Ziva's tears matter more to me than a stupid shirt. I look up at the clock, we've been sat here for almost two hours. I can hear people starting to make their way towards the room.

"Come on," I say, taking her by the arm and pulling her out of her chair, "I'm not leaving you here alone, especially with witnesses to your tears. Come on."

She comes without resistance, which worries me. I can't leave her alone like this, "Ziva, your coming home with me."


	3. Chapter 3

_(Ziva's POV) Ten years later. _

_~ Flashback ~ _

_The walls outside his office are always the same. Dull brown/grey with the Mossad logo and motto. That is all. No photographs or reminder boards. Nothing personal. Nothing irreplaceable._

_The door opens and out steps my former command officer. "Shalom." I nod my head to my former superior. He returns my greeting, leaving the door open behind him. A invitation into the Lion's den. I walk into the room, the first thing I notice is that Tali's photograph has been removed from the frame on his desk. _

"_Shalom Abba," I say, leaning in for the mandatory kiss on the forehead, my eyes sliding to the empty photo frame. _

"_Shalom Ziva ." He says, his voice sombre. "Sit." His tone is not welcoming and neither are his eyes, which follow me. I do not sit down. I will not sit down in his presence. He does not deserve it. _

"_Ziva, it has come to my attention that you went on an unauthorised mission last…" he checks the folder he is holding, it is for dramatic effect, he knows exactly when and where I went, "Tuesday. Would you mind telling me about that?" _

"_There is nothing to discuss." I say shortly. Does he know how hard this is for me? That it has been three weeks and last Tuesday was the only time I could drag myself out of my bed because it hurt to much.. That I cannot look at another child because everything reminds me of Tali. _

"_Ziva," he takes both my hands in his, "I know you went to his camp. I know you shot him., Saleem Ulman. Head of a terrorist organization.. Ziva, you have just started an internal war, which could ultimately lead to another Afghan war. You have no idea what you have just started!" He bangs his hand on the table and stands up. _

_How can he not understand? This was my baby, and that man organized that suicide bomber. He ultimately killed my baby. I try to plead my case, but my father just swears in Hebrew and comes over to me, "Ziva, there is no-one left to blame, stop looking." _

_I pull myself away from him, stand up abruptly and leave , slamming the door on my way out. _

_~ End of Flashback~ _

I feel myself begin to cry again. My father left me, he left me again, when I needed him. He put me back into Kidon. I requested the liaison with NCIS , I needed to be away from him for a while. Twenty years ago today, my baby was born. The thing I treasured above life itself, was hers.

I feel a small hand in mine, "Mami, are you okay?"

I nod, and take in my little boy. Small enough to be my baby but big enough to know when things are wrong. "Just fine, Where is your father?"

Leroy rolls his eyes, "On the phone to Aunt Abby. Apparently he was supposed to meet her last night for drinks and didn't show. Last I heard, she was saying something about being one of the few people who could kill him and leave no trail of forensic evidence."

I laugh, that sounds very much like Abby. I myself have heard that line being used on Tony and McGee many times. "Well go and get your things then, I suppose you could come to NCIS with me and your father today." I watch fondly as he laughs and cheers before running to get his things. He adores coming to NCIS with us, getting to see McGee especially. Their love of computers gives them a special bond.

That night I went home with Tony, turned into something meaningful. It was a time for firsts. Tony's first official long term relationship and eventually marriage. His first child. My first marriage. Gibbs has never forgiven us completely for breaking rule number twelve but he softens every time he sees his namesake.

Nobody other than Tony and I know about Tali. I curse myself often for missing out on the chances I could have had with her, instead of stupidly assuming I'd have a million more. I only had five years with her but enough memories to last a lifetime. I sometimes think I can see her in the street, or at the store. Then I remember. Even though she is no longer here, she will always be in my heart.


End file.
